Many years ago, I worked in a rural parish in Northern Nigeria. One evening a young woman came into my office. She was heavily burdened and wanted someone to confide in, someone to listen to her, someone she could share her pains with, someone just to be there for her. I invited her in and she told me her story. At the end, she broke down in tears and sobbed uncontrollably. I thought she was overwhelmed with a sense of shame and guilt and yet joyful that having spoken to me she was relived. I was wrong! I asked her if she believed that God had forgiven her. To my dismay, her answer was in the negative. When she left my office, I processed my meeting with this young woman. It occurred to me that she had promised herself that she would not make certain choices or indulge in certain behaviors. Due to her weakness she let her guards down and did some of those things she promised herself she would not do. She was sad that she had let herself down and she was filled with so much guilt, shame and regrets that she was determined never to forgive herself. With this distortion in her thought, she felt that neither God nor any other person would ever forgive her. She felt so guilty that she could not continue to carry out her religious responsibilities as she hitherto did. She became closed in on herself and refused to mix again freely with her friends. Her Christianity had nothing to do with God; it was all about herself. Dayringer was on target when he noted, “individuals who know they have sinned are unable to face their community as they did before. Therefore confession is more than mere catharsis; it is the process of making social what had been otherwise an isolated experience.”
The young woman was concerned about her happiness: going to Church, seeking to worship God on her own terms. I tried to help her see that going to Church is not all about herself but more so about God. It is my contention that without an honest introspection and a sincere desire to understand our motives and the willingness to accept ourselves after making mistakes and the determination to move on in life, forgiveness of self will continue to elude us as the biblical snake continues to search for its legs. Isaiah 1:18 reminds us that “though your sins be like scarlet, they may become white as snow; though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool”. How do we begin to examine the reasons and intentions of our act? How do we make the unknown known so as to avoid the pitfalls of life? I dare say that this is a process; to rediscover the need to forgive ourselves if we hope to offer forgiveness to others and accept same ourselves.
I see forgiveness of self as being linked to and intertwined with the love of self. Pope Benedict XVI, on loving neighbor (others) as you love yourself notes that “it does not demand any fantastic heroism nor does it mean self-abasement. It does not also mean that you must be subsumed or submerged into others so that you make yourself less and others more. Rather it means that you must love others as you love yourself.” Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else. He further stressed that “People who are dissatisfied with themselves will not be really good to others. Those who do not accept themselves take exception to others”.
The first step towards forgiveness of self is an acceptance of self. Forgiveness of self and being completely at home with self with warts and all is only possible when we believe that on our own we are weak human beings prone to make mistakes. The secret to accepting self is not to compare self with others. When we compare ourselves with others, it is obvious that others may either be better than us or we may be better than others. We will always find something in others that we desire in ourselves, and this may be the root cause of the disharmony and the discontent within the self. We should rather compare ourselves with God. This makes it easier to move towards a greater union with self and create a pathway towards forgiveness of self. Learn to forgive yourself and do not cling on to your importance. Know that you are all that you are today because of your creator. Be patient and forgiving with yourself and it will be easier to be patient and forgiving of others. This for sure is one of life’s lessons.
We are made in God's image and we each have our own personalities. If we hurt someone, we should ask their forgiveness and forgive ourselves for doing hurt to them. Many years ago, a family member was hurtful to another and that person never forgave them. I was also on that road, but soon learned I had to forgive myself for going along with what the other family member said and to forgive that family member. God gave us free will, and we should use it towards loving one another. In life we all make mistakes, to err is human, but we should continue learning and not repeat the mistakes. Being able to forgive ourselves for something we did relieves the tension and stress and make you a more joyful and loving person.
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