Let us Talk Forgiveness 3 - Forgiveness of others

If forgiving self is difficult, one can only image how difficult it would be to forgive others. The Latin axiom “nemo dat quod non habet”, is very true in this and other circumstances in life. We cannot give what we do not possess. If I find it difficult to forgive myself, it will certainly be most difficult to forgive others, especially if those others have hurt me or those I love. According to Ratzinger (Pope Benedict), man stands in need of forgiveness, which is really at the heart of all true reform. He maintained that there is nothing magical about forgiveness. “Neither is it a fictitious forgetting, a refusal to accept the truth, but an entirely real process of change carried out by the Sculptor. The removal of guilt gets rid of something; the proof that forgiveness has come in us is that penance springs up from us. Forgiveness is in this sense an active-passive event: the creative word of power that God speaks to us produces the pain of conversion and thus becomes an active self-transformation”

That we must forgive is more for the good of the victim than for the victimizer. If we don’t forgive, each time we come across our victimizer, the feeling inside us could only be likened to someone who drinks a poisonous concoction hoping that the poison will kill the enemy. Desmond Tutu of South Africa understood this concept clearly. After the apartheid regime in South Africa, South Africans felt that “to forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest”. Anger, resentment and revenge can neither build nor restore what was lost; and certainly they do not make for a peaceful co-existence. Forgiving others of whatever hurt that has been done to us is to free ourselves to love. It is an invitation to the other to experience the meaning of life; a life lived in a new and transforming way. Henry Nouwen, the spiritual writer pointed out that “to convert hostility into hospitality requires the creation of the friendly empty space where we can reach out to our fellow human beings and invite them to a new relationship”. To move from hurt to forgiveness in order to experience this inner relationship and transformation we need a lot of courage and personal commitment. This cannot be forced on anyone and no one should be manipulated or coerced into it, it must develop from within, it is a personal call, and a deep felt need, to be in peace with the self and the other.

To forgive others is a conscious choice that must be made individually. We are free to choose to forgive or not to forgive. If our choice is to forgive others, then the resultant possibility is a deep, sincere and unexplained joy. Karl Jaspers, the Existential philosopher once observed, “What makes us afraid is our great freedom in the face of the emptiness that has still to be filled”. Isn’t it true that most people try to avoid this reality a great deal of the time? But then we are constantly in the roller coaster of making choices, whether we admit it or not. Since we are most certain that each of our decisions lead us in a particular direction away from a contra-choice, we must then pursue the one choice that really matter, the choice to forgive those who hurt us.

The story of Marietta Jaeger Lane is very pertinent at this point to demonstrate the effect of forgiveness. Marietta’s story as recorded in the Journal of Religion & Spirituality in Social Work: Social Thought volume 23, Number 1/2 makes a very interesting reading. Marietta is a founding Board Member of Murder Victims Families for Reconciliation (MVFR). Her seven-year-old daughter was kidnapped, raped and murdered. She recalled the endless search that accompanied the disappearance and her fear and concern for her daughter; and how the fear gave way to “anger, searing hatred, and a vicious desire for the torturous death of this person who caused this to happen”. She recounted how she told her husband: “even if the kidnapper were to bring Susie back this moment, alive and well, I could kill him for what he as done to our family”. She reasoned with herself that though she knew that forgiveness was expected of Christians her condition was different, her daughter was innocent and defenseless and she was the mother. She pointed out that in her anger, she felt that God had spoken to her about the need for forgiveness, “But that’s not how I want you to feel”. She opined that God was asking her to let go of her rage and the desire for revenge. According to her, “God was calling me to let go of my hate - the violence within me- and I was resisting, refusing, justified and righteous, so very human”.

Forgiving in a circumstance such as this is difficult indeed especially when you feel that you have done nothing to merit the hurt, pains, abuse or injury inflicted on you. This therefore, is where humanity kisses divinity. Marietta recounted that she knew that hatred was not healthy, that she had seen for herself, in family members and friends, the unhappiness and unhealthiness that anger and un-forgiveness could bring to people; and if she gave herself that kind of rage and revenge, it would obsess and consume her, and in the end she would be of no good to help anyone. She made a conscious choice, to forgive the daughter’s kidnapper. With the decision to forgive, she said, she felt a huge burden lift from her.

The inability to forgive hurts could be attributed partly to unnecessary attachment to things and people. Many people are broken today due to a mistaken type of love and affection. According to Rilke the poet, young people often grievously go wrong in their false notion of love. They throw themselves into each other, as it is their nature without patience and often find themselves in utter confusion. With confusion comes disappointment. What once brought them joy has now turned to sadness, hatred, brokenness and hurt. Forgiveness is hard to come by in a situation of confusion and disappointment. Often they blame everybody around them including God. They think that God has put them in a mess that they may not be able to come out. The lesson of life therefore, dear friends, is that the three dimensions of forgiveness must be seen as one whole spectrum of events. The three must go hand in hand. There is no quick fix in our quest for forgiveness. In the next posting I will conclude this reflection with the forgiveness of God. Have fun and learn to live a free and forgiving life!